Learning to put down the to do list

It all started a month ago at book club. We were discussing Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes. One of the discussion questions I asked our book club ladies was; "What is your super power or special talent that makes you uniquely you?" Similar to a situation like this in the book, our room full of ladies had a hard time answering this about themselves. A few of us chimed in on gifts/ talents that we saw in others, but as a whole we had a hard time owning the goodness within ourselves. I thought long and hard about myself and the only thing I could come up with was #dinnerdoneby9am. (This is the hash tag I use to capture all of the dinners I am able to have prepared prior to 9 am). But I wasn't satisfied with that answer. I wanted to have an answer that was deeper and more meaningful.

A few days later I explained this scenaraio to Jeremy and asked for his thoughts, knowing he would have better insight than me. He explained to me that #dinnerdoneby9am is not my super power. That it is a product of my super powers. That my super power is who I am and how I was created, and that #dinnerdoneby9am is something I do. I started thinking about how I am a doer and how as a doer I (incorrectly) tend to assign worth and value to myself and others based on what we do. If asked to tell someone about myself or my day I would probably give you a long list of things that I do or did. I place high value on doing.

Fast forward two weeks. Jeremy and I were having a meeting for our ministry. Discussing what we had going on, where God was giving us favor, what doors He was opening up, and where we should invest our efforts currently. In this meeting we decided to cut two major projects that I had been putting a lot of time and energy into. These were big projects. Projects for me to do. Projects I was proud of. Over the course of the meeting we decided to put both of these projects on hold- maybe for now, maybe permanently. We realized that these projects were a result of striving, of us trying to make things happen ourselves rather than following the favor and open doors that God had given us. Everytime that we've tried to make things happen on our own it has always flopped. But when we simply follow the favor that God gives us He has dropped amazing opportunities in our laps. Opportunities that we weren't even aware of. Opportunities that were so much better than the things we had tried to do on our own. So this is how we've agreed to operate. Follow favor. In this meeting, once we decided to put these projects on hold I started sobbing. It was a deep painful sob. I don't think Jeremy or I really understood why I was so upset. In talking and processing it became clear that I was finding my value and worth in what I was doing and that when those things were put on hold I instantly felt inadequate. Not enough. Small. Unimportant. It was clear that I was finding my worth through what I did.

As I didn't fully get the lesson from those two interactions God continued to gently nudge me on this topic of doing. A few days later I sat down to spend some one-on-one time with Him. I started journaling some prayers to Him and found myself apologizing for various things that I hadn't been doing enough of lately. Not praying enough. Not reading my Bible enough. Not doing enough 'spiritual' things. And I realized that this doing mentality was seeping into my relationship with God also. I was like Martha, putting a higher value on all of the things I was doing for Him rather than just freely being with Him.

1 Corinthians 13 gives us a good warning about just how futile doing a bunch of stuff is if we're not doing it out of love. If we're doing stuff to earn or prove our worth then we aren't doing it freely out of love. We are then doing from striving, stress, pressure. If we do stuff to earn our worth we are undermining what Jesus did on the cross. We are inadvertently saying that what Jesus did was not enough. We are trying to work for what we have been freely given.

So in the midst of all these lessons I hear God speaking Psalm 46:10 "...Be still, and know that I am God" over and over again to my heart.

Be still and know. One translation says cease striving. Being still is not something that comes easily for me. My first instinct and reaction is always to do. To take a step. To do the next thing. But I hear God telling me in this season to stop. To wait. To be still. To know. To sit at His feet like Mary.

I thought I had learned this lesson and gotten over this doing mentality eight years ago when I had quit my job in the corporate world managing hundreds of people. I had given up the suits, the business cards and the title. I thought at that point in time I had learned the hard lesson of not identifying myself by what I do. That my value isn't a list of actions or accomplishments. But apparently there was still a remaining layer of this issue to work through lingering from years earlier. I may have no longer been finding my worth in my career, but I found other avenues of things I did and accomplished to find my value in.

In this season of my life, in which I am a stay-at-home mom first and foremost, if I define myself by what I do I will literally feel like a combination of a milk factory cow and a janitor because I nurse my baby, wipe little behinds and clean up messes all day long. I do thousands of seemingly mundane tasks that I have to do all over again the next day.  This means that if I don't learn the lesson of finding my identity in Christ rather than in what I do that I will be left feeling extremely underutilized.

I tend to measure my days by the number of items crossed off on my to do list. The problem with that is that the most meaningful moments of each day are not found on to do lists. The meaningful moments are found in relationship and connection. In kissing boo boos, reading books, conversations, hugs, snuggles, in being still and silent enough to hear God speak . This is the good stuff. When I'm caught up in do mode, racing to check off all of my tasks I tend to miss those moments. In do mode I don't notice the sounds of little feet running up and down my halls. The kind words of one brother to another. The "I wuve you momma, you're sweet" whispered to me by a toddler. The look in my husband's eyes when we all snuggle together on the couch at the end of the day. These are the moments that I don't want to miss.

No career, title, relationship, status, possession, accomplishment or accolade is meant to fulfill us or define us. We are not the sum of these things. These things will always leave us unsatisfied; searching, striving, comparing and performing for more.

The truth is that I am not defined by what I do. My value doesn't increase or decrease based on my actions or what I accomplish. My worth has been solidified by Christ's death on the cross. By what He says about me and who He created me to be. That I am created in His image. That I am a child of God. That I am loved. Whole. Chosen. God's special possession. Righteous. Forgiven. A new creation. Fearfully and wonderfully made.

The truth is that I am not the sum of what I do. I am the sum of what He did.

And all of that goes for you as well dear reader.

We are defined by the fact that God loved us so much that He became flesh. Came to earth. Died. Rose and defeated death so that we could be in right standing with Him. Fully restored. This is what He says we are worth. Whether we do another thing for Him or not, this has been decided.

So let's sit back and take a big deep breath together. Let's be still and know. And then once we really know deep in our hearts that we are enough, that we are worthy, that we are valued, loved and cherished just as we are, then we can do from a place of freedom. From a place of confidence in who God created us to be and who we are in Him; now, and eternally.

6 Profound lessons I've learned from doing homeless ministry with a fast friend

First I'd like to introduce you to my friend Heather.  Isn't she beautiful?  She's just as stunning in person, and even more beautiful on the inside than she is on the outside.  I met Heather just a few months ago and it was love at first sight.  She spoke a language of faith so similar to my own that I knew it was a God ordained relationship.  We talked about God the entire evening, sharing testimonies of our encounters with Him and the revelation He has given us.  There was power on that conversation and I left knowing that  we would be friends and eventually have opportunities to partner together.

Last year Heather started a ministry called Kingdom Project and has a beautiful and passionate heart to love and serve on people that are in need.  She is gifted in evangelism and teaching and is doing and is going to do great things and "greater things"!  Shortly before I met Heather she had started going out to the French Quarter, to where the broken, hurting, lonely, needy people were and meeting them where they were to bring them Jesus.  She brought them food and clothes for their physical needs and love, hugs, Truth, prayers, encouragement and a listening ear for their spiritual and emotional needs.

For the last month or two I've had the privilege to go out and minister with Heather and two other ladies (hi Lyndsey and April, y'all are awesome also, but that will be a story for another day) almost weekly.  God has taught me so many lessons along the way and I wanted to share some of them with you, that they may be of encouragement to you in case you don't have a Heather in your life.

1. You/ I can do this!!!!!  The "this" might be different for everyone but I've always thought of evangelism and street ministry as these big scary things that only the super spiritual people do (whoever they are).  Whatever your "this" is I bet it's not nearly as scary as you've made it out to be in your  mind.  I bet it seems bigger and more complicated than it actually is.  I bet you were made for such a time as "this"!  I know that God prepares, equips and calls us to things that are so much bigger than ourselves, so much bigger than what we think we can do because He loves to show off using ordinary people, and really, no one is ordinary because He uniquely created each one of us for a purpose and for great things!  And if He is for us, who can be against us?

2. Start now.  Start right where you are.  With whatever you have.  Heather could have waited until she had more free time.  More money.  A team of more people.  She could have waited and waited and said "I will do this when _____________________".  But she didn't.  She just started.  She took the little bit of time that she had.  The little bit of resources she had.  And combined it with passion, purpose, and trusting that God is sufficient and she stepped out in faith.  She didn't wait until she had it figured out, or all of the right answers and methods.  But she set out on a journey, learning along the way.

do you see this smile?  we gave him 1 pair of socks, a breakfast sandwich and a used sweatshirt...  and he smiles like this!  have you smiled like this today?  take a minute to reflect on all of your blessings and SMILE!

3. Give thanks always.  Each time we go out it humbles me by just how appreciative everyone that we minister to is.  (There may very well come a time that someone isn't receptive, and that will be ok, but I thought that people wouldn't be receptive, that they would be mean).  One day when we went out several of the homeless expressed their gratitude to us by coming up with and reciting a poem, singing us a song and/ or playing us an instrument.  They had so little, yet they were so grateful for each and every thing that they had.  For us giving them some food, clothes and speaking life to them.  I felt awful that I wasn't doing more.  Wasn't giving them a home.  A shelter.  A job.  Or something that would more tangibly change their circumstances other than meeting their immediate needs.  But they didn't see it that way.  They weren't concerned with what I wasn't giving them.  They didn't think about the fact that I was going back to my comfortable home and was not going to be any less comfortable by doing something so simple for them.  We have so much, and yet can feel so dissatisfied with our much.  Thinking we need more.  Or better.  They have nothing.  But are so grateful for each crumb thrown their way.

this guy played us a Johnny Cash song to thank us for the supplies.  he's a retired veteran.

4.  We are blessed to be a blessing.  As I mentioned in the prior paragraph, one day when we went out at least 5 different people used creative efforts to thank us for what we were doing.  They received blessing from us, but turned right around and immediately poured it back out.  Isn't that how it's supposed to work?  Aren't we supposed to take every single thing that we receive and immediately turn it around and bless others?  They could have thought poorly about themselves and thought they had nothing to offer us but they didn't.  They just blessed us.  It was a natural reaction.

I think this guy's name is Eugene.  this hug made my day!  I was blessed!  we were out of food and sweatshirts when we met him but we prayed with him and spoke truth over him and he cried and smiled and grinned and we were all touched. 

5.  When we bless others we are blessed.  It's such a Kingdom principal that through humbling ourselves, we are exalted.  Through death, we find life.  To be first, you must be last.  To lead, you must serve.  When we bless, we are blessed.  ALWAYS!  Being blessed is not why we bless others, but it's always the fruit of putting others first and blessing them.

this is Tom holding a donated coat we were able to give him.  he's a carni who came down here hoping to rent a room daily but the rates were too high so he ended up homeless.  he has a brain aneurysm and gets dizzy spells.  we listened to him, spoke truth over him and prayed with him.  he was so moved that we cared.  that we listened.  that we prayed and hugged and embraced him.  that he was seen, heard, touched, valued.

6.  When we know our need, we can fully receive.  If any one of these people chose to live in pride, not wanting to accept help from others they could have turned us away.  They had the power to not receive our gifts and blessing.  But because they knew their need, and were willing to humble themselves, they were able to receive of the gifts that we had for them.  When we won't admit or come to terms with our needs then we miss out of the gifts available for us.


These lessons aren't just for me, they are for you too, friend!  May we live them daily.

::this summer::

I have not done a {weekly} update since June.  I took the summer off to re-focus and to be more present in what I was doing.  I'm now ready to return to writing regular updates again (just haven't decided yet if they are going to be weekly or monthly).  

This summer was wonderful... busy, but really good.  

Jeremy did some traveling and speaking.  He was also on the radio and a podcast.  We did some traveling as a family to Lafyette and Virginia.  Jeremy and I had a few day trip to the beach.  And we all had a lot of fun.

We started a monthly community group, I continued with the monthly ladies book club that I organize,  I started a facebook NOLA parenting and play date page and coordinated several mom and kiddo events. (as always, anyone interested is welcome to any of these events).

There is a lot that we have been working on that will be coming out in the upcoming months/ year...  Jeremy has been working on a short ebook on rest.  He is also in the process of writing his next book, sort of a follow-up to The Longest Bridge Across Water.  I have a business project that I have been working on.  Jeremy has a new website that should be completed and public soon.  Jeremy has a few more traveling and speaking engagements this year including Monroe LA, Columbus OH, and India.  Jeremy and two other friends of ours are in the beginning stages of planning a conference in New Orleans for early 2015.  And more.

I could not possibly fit an entire summer of experiences and revelation into one blog post, so I'll try to summarize and highlight some of what has stood out to me the most...

praising:

in awe at just how good, faithful and loving God is.  so much more than I can imagine.  in awe at His creation... at nature... at people.  at how intricately, beautifully and powerfully we were created.  in awe of how He designed our bodies to heal themselves... when we get a cut, it heals... how stinkin' cool and crazy is that?!

all of the open doors and opportunities that God has given us this summer.

some really cool feedback and testimonies of how God has worked in people's lives through The Longest Bridge Across Water.  

praying:

for provision... we could really use some additional monthly donors and/or one time gifts for Bastion Ministries.

for clarity and our path to be made straight regarding church... we have been visiting a few churches looking for a church home to connect with and pondering and discussing the purpose and meaning of church altogether.

with a heavy heart for the needs and hurts of several friends who are suffering through some really tough things right now.

reading:

Genesis, Romans, 1 Corinthians, Acts, Luke, An Everlasting Meal, Organized Simplicity, Living Room Revolution

thankful for:

provision.

health.

our summer.  time with family.  time with friends.  time away.  fun activities.  relaxed time.

our city and house.  we really do love where we live.  we love so much about this city, and about our neighborhood.  I'm so grateful to be somewhere that is so diverse, beautiful and historically rich.

all of our trips and travels and the bonds and memories that were made along the way.

all of the interesting and unlikely people we've met this summer, and friendships that were made.

cooking: {this week, I could not fit an entire summer here}

huevos rancheros,  whole wheat pizza with turkey pepperoni and jalapenos, vietnamese noodle bowls, chicken sausage on buns with sauteed onions and peppers, sriracha lime brussell sprouts, maple roasted carrots, banana chocolate chip muffins, lime bars, mango smoothies

creating: {this week}

some appliqued onesie baby gifts, some felt mask kiddo gifts, baby shower decorations

doing: {this week}

this week we celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary.  it was absolutely perfect!  we had 24 hours without the kiddos and really enjoyed our time together.  we really do enjoy our regular everyday life, so we did very normal things and enjoyed all of the uninterrupted time together doing them.  we got to go pray for a lady together, spend some time restin with God at J's office, went to the gym, went to coffee and discussed the book J is working on, I got to read the book on rest he has almost finished, a yummy sushi dinner, and then a movie and some froyo on our couch.  very simple, and I wouldn't change a thing.  we have had anniversaries where we spend a bunch of money, stayed in a hotel, did the tourist thing and had a super fancy dinner... but it's just not us.  it's good to know who you are as an individual and a couple and live from there.

in addition to that we have a few dinners with friends, kiddo playdates, and our regular weekly activities of the group in Slidell that J does and my weekly ladies Bible study.

pondering:

there are a few main themes and specific things that the Lord has been teaching me/ telling me this summer;

• persevere- through a passage in Mark and some circumstances in life God was telling me to persevere.  I didn't really understand it, and then I realized that due to some hurt feelings and fear I was unknowingly withdrawing from a lot of things... things that I enjoy, things that give me life, things that I'm sure are His will and purpose for me.  and since I've returned to walking by faith and not fear I feel more like me, more like who I was created to be.  and so I'm learning to persevere when things get tough.
• as I mentioned in the prayer section, I've been pondering what church is... what it was in the book of Acts vs what it is now.  pondering why and what God's design for it is.  pondering what church looks like for Jeremy and me in this season of life.
• expect- this was the one word that God laid on my heart for this year.  last year was believe and this year He is building on that and taking me a step further.  last year He was teaching me to believe for greater things, to believe for miraculous things, to believe that He would speak and reveal Himself to me.  this year I am now learning not just to believe for those things but to expect it.  to not just hope and believe that God can do something, but to expect Him to.
• enjoy- this has been another huge lesson He has been teaching me over the last year.  God has been taking me out of a sterile and mechanical relationship with Himself and showing me just how good He is.  teaching me that relationship is not about obligation, but love and enjoyment.  taking me from reading my Bible and pursuing Him out of duty to doing it from an overflow of joy and pleasure in Him.
• how so many people that I know express discontentment with their friendships.  I hear an overwhelming sense that people are longing and looking for deep connections with others and community, but are continually coming up short.  why is this?  are we too busy?  do we not know how to connect anymore?  are there more barriers to connectivity than in the past?
• rest- Jeremy and I talk about rest a lot.  it's a big theme for us and has provided huge breakthrough in our relationship with God.  learning how to take our thoughts captive and turn down the noise of the world and rest in our oneness with God, in His presence in us.  and then learning how to carry the rest that we experience in our intimate time with God over into the chaos that can be daily life.  Jeremy said something to me recently that I can't get out of my mind... he suggested that perhaps why it is so common for people to receive revelation or dreams from God at night is that that is the only time that we are still and our minds are quiet enough for us to actually listen and hear Him.  perhaps He is constantly trying to speak to us but we don't often slow down enough to realize it.  I've been thinking a lot on that statement.  after some good quiet and still time resting with God this week I was extremely renewed by an awareness of Him and these song lyrics by Catherine Mullins became so real to me "in your presence, Jesus, every insecurity fades away...".  it is so true... I sat down to enjoy God feeling a little frazzled, distracted, bitter and more but by simply meditating on Him and who He is in me all of those feelings melted away and He replaced them with His all consuming peace and joy.  it is that easy y'all!  stop trying, stop doing and simply relax into Him.  another song stood out to me this week (by Steffany Gretzinger) illustrating this point; "I'm letting go, falling into you".  that's the perfect verbal illustration for rest, we let go of striving and working and fall into God.

I hope that your summer was fun and relaxed, full of laughter and love, lived from a place of awareness of God in and through all things.

Our Love: A Story of Redemption

In honor of our 7 year anniversary I thought I'd tell my version of our love story...

Jeremy and I met at church.  I had been attending a Thursday evening young adult service for over a year at which Jeremy played guitar.  We had seen each other and probably knew who each other were for that year, but had never met until one night when a friend introduced us.

After being introduced we talked for a while and went through the general get to know you type of conversation.  The next morning Jeremy showed up at my work unexpectedly.  (I later found out that he had forgotten where I work and had to call a friend to refresh his mind with this info).  It was a bold move though, to show up unannounced at my workplace, but I didn't mind one bit.  In fact, I was extremely impressed at how nicely he cleaned up... until this point I had only ever seen him in ripped jeans and converse shoes at church, but upon seeing him in dress pants, a dress shirt, and a tie I was taken aback at how handsome he looked and how much of a sense of style he had (this was not what made me interested in him, I really enjoyed our conversation the night earlier, but it sure didn't hurt his case any!).  So he showed up at my work, sat down at my desk, and we talked for a while.  Minor details aside, we ended up going on our first date a few days later.

He picked me up, and we went out for sushi.  Many people would consider our first date a train wreck.  I have since learned from the mistakes that I made due to insecurity.

A little back story may be in order here... Jeremy was the first Christian guy I had ever dated.  And at this point in my life I was 25 years old, had had a successful career for 7 years, and owned my own condo... I was very independent.

Mistake number one.  We walked into the restaurant and I took charge, walked straight up to the hostess and requested a table for 2.  I have since learned this was a little bit of a turnoff to Jeremy by my need/ desire to be in charge.

Mistake number two.  At this point in my life I had only been a Christian for about a year.  I had a past that I thought most Christian men might not be comfortable with.  Out of insecurity, I wanted to (and did) verbally unload my entire past {baggage} on Jeremy during dinner.  I was scared... scared we would date for months, fall in love, and then when I broke all of the news to him he would run for the hills and leave me hurt.  So I decided to air all of my dirty laundry up front and see if he was up for sticking around.  I basically spent 2 hours giving him all of the reasons he shouldn't date me.  After that was done I felt free and comfortable and we actually ended up having some good conversation following my confessions.  But, I still didn't think I'd ever hear from him again after our first date.

You see, on our first date Jeremy didn't kiss me, didn't hug me, didn't even try to hold my hand.  Based on the fact that he paid for dinner though I was pretty sure that it had indeed been a date and I wasn't just mistaken.  I had never in my life been on a date where a guy didn't try to physically pursue me.  In fact, I had spent the majority of my life thinking that sex and physical affections were the only reasons guys talked to girls, took them out, or bought them dinner.  So I was quite perplexed by the lack of advance on Jeremy's part.  I was pretty sure I was in the friend trap.

But then he called me.  And we hung out again.  And again.  But still no signs of physical affection.  At this point I was sure I was in the friend trap because dating without physical affection was an oxymoron to me.  I had never seen it, experienced it, or even heard of it.  So one night, being the independent modern woman I was, I decided to take matters into my own hands... when Jeremy was at my house I pinned him down and kissed him, much to his surprise.  The next day he called me and wanted to talk about that incident.  He said something to the extent of how that had been fun and all, but that God was leading him to pursue me in a different way, without all of the physical stuff.

And I was dumbfounded.  At this point in my walk with Christ I had read the book of Ruth, and had been praying for an honorable man to pursue and honor me like Boaz had, but I had no idea what that looked like.  And here I was, someone actually doing it and I had missed it, and rather than trusting and following the lead of said man, I grasped for control trying to shape our relationship into exactly what I didn't want, but that was all that I knew.

We dated from July 2006, until we got engaged in April 2007.  The whole time we dated we never kissed.  I wouldn't prescribe this way of dating for all people, but it was God's gift to me.  It was His way of redeeming a past of feelings of being used, cheap, abused, and only pursued for physical reasons to giving me confidence in me, my value, and that someone could love me for who I am and not what I do.  Instead of spending hours making out we spent hours talking, getting to know each other, and finding out each other's passions and desires.  We got to know each other really well, and know that our visions of the future and expectations of marriage were compatible.  We built a solid foundation of friendship and companionship upon which to build the rest of our lives.

After we had been dating around 8 months I knew that I loved Jeremy and I so badly wanted to tell him but I was determined at this point to wait on him to lead our relationship and not make the same mistake that I did with kissing early on.  So I waited, and waited, and bit my tongue holding in my feelings and emotions.  Feeling secure in our relationship and Jeremy's affections for me, but always kind of wondering why he wasn't yet dropping the L word.

And then I found out why...

On Good Friday 2007 we went on a day trip to Charleston, SC to shop, walk, eat, and enjoy some relaxed time together.  While sitting on a park bench Jeremy told me that he had never told me he loved me because he didn't want me to give my heart away until he was ready for the responsibility of accepting it.  In this moment he pulled out a ring, told me he loved me, asked me to marry him and gave me my first kiss (well 2nd, but we don't count the first one).

We got married 4 months later, 13 months from our first date.

Our story is the story of God working in our lives... of bringing us both to an unlikely place at the same time, introducing us a year and a half later (after I'd had the chance of coming to know God and deepening my relationship with Him), redeeming dating and physical pursuits for me, and teaching me just how good He is... how He has a plan for each of us... how intimately involved in the details of our lives He is... how He gives us good gifts, better gifts than we could even imagine or dream up for ourselves... how valuable we are to Him and more.

Our story is the story of me learning to accept love from another person, from my Maker, and to love myself.

Jeremy, I'm so grateful for you.  For the honorable way God led you to pursue me.  Of how He brought us together and has given us a common purpose and vision for our life together.  You make me a better person.  You model Christ's love to me.  You are amazing... a man of honor, integrity, character and faith... the man I wanted, the man I prayed for.  I love you.  I love us.  I love our life together and the God that we serve side by side.

My Testimony

Psalm 96:2-3 Sing to the Lord; praise his name. Each day proclaim the good news that he saves. Publish his glorious deeds among the nations. Tell everyone about the amazing things he does.

I share because there is power in a testimony to defeat the works of the enemy.  I share so that upon hearing how God has pursued, redeemed and blessed me that you may believe that He can and will do the same for you.  I share to proclaim the great things that He has done for me and praise His holy name, loving heart and mighty hand...

I haven't always had a thriving relationship with God, or known Him, or even believed in Him.  In fact, I spent the majority of my thirty {plus} years completely denying Him.

As a kid I had no desire whatsoever for anything spiritual in nature.  From time to time I was exposed to a small taste of various spiritual beliefs and paths, but I was very put off by them and wanted nothing to do with any of it.  Other than a few scattered experiences I didn't grow up in any particular church or beliefs.

We celebrated Easter and Christmas in my home, but we were not Christians.  In fact, I really had no idea at all that those holidays were about anything other than a bunny and Santa Clause.  My only memory of having any exposure to the name of Jesus prior to the time I was 24 was seeing the movie Dogma and the big Jesus statue in it.

Although I didn't know Jesus, or even have a taste for spiritual things, I grew up always having a hunger and need to feel loved.  I was created to be in relationship with my Maker, and until I found Him I spent my life always searching, always trying new things to fill the void that I felt inside of me.  Trying to dull the ache in my heart and find satisfaction for my life, but always coming out empty handed.

I tried drugs.  Lots of them.  Almost all of them.  I used them a lot from 8th grade until I graduated high school.

I tried self mutilation.  I cut my arms with razor blades, almost daily, for a large part of middle and high school.  Really it was just a cry for attention.  I just wanted someone to tell me and show me that they cared.  That they loved me.  That I mattered.  That I was special.

I tried boys, and physical contact.

Yet none of these things satisfied me.

In my early twenties I was still feeling the ache in my soul.

I tried finding my worth by pursuing a career.

I tried buying things to give me pleasure.  22 pairs of shoes alone in 1 year.  Racking up LOTS of debt.

I still tried boys.

I tried regular binge drinking and bar hopping, always seeking attention, dancing on bars, flirting with everyone.

I tried my image.  I got in shape.  Bought/ wore nice clothes.  Got my hair and nails done regularly and wore lots of makeup.

Still aching.  Still lonely.  Still searching for love, satisfaction and purpose in all of the wrong places.  Still feeling empty.

At the age of 24 I was invited to a church for the first time.  I don't really know why I decided to go other than that God was working in my heart, drawing me to Him, and His Spirit was nudging me to take this small, first step.

So I agreed to meet this friend at church.  I didn't really know what to expect to happen at church, in fact, the only two things that I knew about church were that I was supposed to dress up, and that I was supposed to give money.  When I was running late that Sunday morning I remember realizing that I didn't have any cash in my wallet and told my friend that I would be late so I could go to the ATM and pick up money.  To which she assured me that it would be fine if I did not give any money, but I decided to be late and make the stop anyway.  (In hindsight, I find it very interesting that the only two things I knew about church were dressing up and giving money... just a glimpse of the perspective I had).

So I went to church.  And I started going regularly.  Every Thursday evening to a young adult service, and every Sunday morning.  I learned a lot.  I listened to the entire sermon each week and ate it up like food for my soul.  I learned about God creating the world, and the fall and sin entering the world.  I learned about God sending His son, Jesus, to earth in the form of a child.  I learned about Jesus' life and earthly ministry.  I learned about His death, burial, resurrection and ascension.  I learned about the disciples and their lives.  And I learned about the promises for what is to come.  And I believed it.  Every.  Single.  Bit.  It resonated with something inside of me and I believed it all, instantly.

Despite the fact that I believed all that I was learning about God my life still looked very different from most church goers.  I lived with my boyfriend, cussed a lot, smoked cigarettes, and went out and got wasted (to the point of vomiting) several times a week.  As I mentioned earlier, my life wasn't really making me feel happy or fulfilled, but it was all I knew.  I was scared of change.  So I carried on in what may have been a double life for a few months.  Then I hit what I believed to be rock bottom.

There had been a certain behavior that I had labeled as what "bad" people did and became irritated with people who would do such a thing.  Although a very low standard, it was the moral bar I had told myself I was above.  And then I did it.  That exact behavior that I had found so disgusting in others.  And through that I hurt several people who were really important to me.  It was then that I was finally willing to accept that on my own I wasn't the "good" person I thought I was.  That I had royally made a mess of my life and didn't like the direction things were going.  And all the truth that I had been hearing about God, His redemption, His grace and forgiveness, His salvation, and His transforming work in the lives of His people began to beckon to me.  At that point I completely surrendered my life to Jesus.  Decided to follow Him and live for Him, regardless of what that meant.

He was the most important person in my life.  I spent almost all of the time that I wasn't at work with Him, reading His word, wanting to know Him more.  I would call my friend up with questions like "Do I need to quit smoking?", "Do I need to move out from living with my boyfriend" and so on.  And she would gently nudge me not to go out and make a bunch of quick lifestyle changes because that's what I was supposed to do, but to let God lead me and guide me.  And He did.  One step at a time.

I was a poster child for Hebrews 11:6, that God rewards those who diligently seek Him.  I sought Him and He revealed Himself, and He changed me... completely.  I was (and am) a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).  I was (and am) so passionate about Jesus.  I felt like the woman from the Bible who had been forgiven of much sin and was therefore extremely grateful of the pardon she had been given.

I spent the next several years pouring myself into pursuing God, studying His word, and serving those around me.  Constantly growing in my understanding of Him and the Christian life.

And then a few years ago I had an awakening of sorts.  God became alive and real to me in a much deeper way than He ever had been.  He challenged a lot of my beliefs, theology, practices etc {like speaking in tongues}.  He showed me a bunch of legalism and rule following I'd been living in.  He taught me about grace, freedom and wholeness.  He taught me about my identity in Him, my oneness with Him, the finished work of the cross.  He taught me about rest and ceasing to strive, not trying to please Him or earn anything from Him, but how to just be, receive, and let Him naturally flow out of me.  I became intimately acquainted with Him... we went from just acquaintances to friends, and then to something much deeper than that.  I began to hear Him speak, see Him in everything and everyone around me, and began to believe for and experience Him in supernatural ways that I had always had a theology for, but that were never what I had seen or known.

All the loneliness, emptiness and discontentment disappeared as I got to know my Maker, and started fulfilling the purpose and destiny for which He had created me.

His transformation in my life really has been miraculous.  I know that people tell you that once you are an addict and/ or alcoholic that you are always one.  But I can honestly say that my old self is gone, the sinful desires and habits of drug abuse, alcohol abuse etc. no longer have a hold on me.  The former dysfunctional behaviors are completely gone.  The emotional wounds from physical violations, experiences, and ties have been completely healed.  Now that I know my identity in Christ I no longer seek to find it through attention from others, through what I do or a career, through my looks and image.

I have found a love so much greater then I ever could have imagined.  A sense of purpose and wholeness too good to be true.  I have found forgiveness and redemption... salvation and freedom... I have found the life I was intended to live.

And here I am now... constantly having my mind-rewed, challenged, and blown by my God who is so much better, and so much more intimate and personal then I ever had imagined.  Each day with Him is never boring, never dull, never monotonous.  Each day is a special adventure with my Maker, getting to know Him, enjoying Him and experiencing Him through the world around me.

There's a lot more detail I could have added in here and a lot more specifics, but some of those are stories for a different day {like the time He blew my mind with provision, or the time He gave me insight into my calling}.  He's constantly teaching me things, giving me revelation and crazy experiences and this is just a very basic framework for how He has and is continuing to work in my life.  This story isn't over, it's an ongoing, ever changing journey with new aspects, insights, and dimensions being added daily.

I hope this inspires you to remember your story... to remember the ways He has worked in your life.  To praise His mighty deeds and loving heart.  And to see His fingerprints as you go about each day, each moment, enthralled by His presence.

A Case for Living in Community

My definition of community is slightly different from most of the definitions I can find from dictionaries. Most of them define community either by a group of people with common interests, or a group of people living in a certain area. I think both of those can be aspects of community, but to me community is broader then geographic location or personal interests/ preferences. To me, community is a group of people united together, committed to each other, looking to and caring for each others interests.

Since Jeremy and I have been married we have always been a part of a community group. Each of these groups have been associated with one church or another and have all been pretty similar in format or structure. Each group had it's own unique strengths and opportunities for improvement. Each group has been special to me and shaped me in different ways.
Lately it has been standing out to me that there are so many people that are not part of a church for various reasons (not having religious beliefs, not finding a place that aligns with their beliefs, and more...). Although these people aren't a part of church (maybe for this season, or maybe never have been or will be) I am hearing a very common desire from them. Most people, regardless of religious affiliation (or lack thereof) seem to have a desire for community, as I defined it above. They seem to have a desire to have a group of people whom they see regularly, who know each other, who enjoy doing fun things together, who help each other out when needed, to celebrate accomplishments with, discuss ideas with and more.

I believe that this is not an accident. That each and every person was created in the image of a relational, 3 beings in 1, God. I believe that one of the greatest truths about God is that He is to the core a relational being. And since we humans were created in His image, we are to our core relational beings also. We were each created to be in relationship with God, and to be in relationship with others, and if those 2 purposes are not met, we will feel a longing deep within our soul that we are missing out on part of our intended purpose.

At a time when our culture is getting exceedingly further away from living in community with others we as a people are crying out and longing to live our lives inter-twined with others. This is becoming counter-cultural due to the growing individualistic nature of our society. Conversation, a key ingredient to living in community, is becoming a lost art in a culture of being busy, of emails, text messages and social media. People are not connecting like they used to, like they were created to.

Living in community can be messy. People can make mistakes, hurt each other, have miscommunications and so on. But this is where the real beauty is found. The beauty of real love... 1 Corinthians 13 love... "God is love" love... selfless love, forgiveness and grace. This is worth fighting for. Worth putting ourselves out there for. Worth extending and receiving grace and forgiveness for... in our mistakes, and in the mistakes of others. Worth sticking it out through the ups and downs, twists and turns, good times and bad. This type of love is what life is all about. It's the greatest truth there is. We were made to love, worship, enjoy and relate with God, and part of how we do that is by loving, enjoying, and relating with others.

The Lie of Feelings

A big lesson I've been learning is that feelings are often misleading and downright untrue.

When I look back through my journal a lot of my entries start with confessing to God how I feel. Me pouring out to Him how I feel distant, dry, lonely, like a failure, unworthy, etc.

And then the next line in my journal is usually His soothing words to me that my feelings are not true, they are not reality, they are lies!

So friends, I want to encourage you with that today... that whatever you are feeling is just that, FEELINGS. Let's not live in our feelings or accept them as reality but let's live in the truth that we are one with God, that He is present, that we are righteous, and that we are loved.

Why I Make Lists

I am a list maker. I make lists. And lots of them. I have 3 books that I carry with me everywhere a calendar (yes, I use an old school, hand written calendar), a journal and a miscellaneous notebook. These 3 books are filled with lists. Just some of the lists they contain are my grocery list, a to do list, a to write list, a to read list, a wish list, a to give list, a monthly prayer list, a list of the most influential verses in my life right now, a list of things God has said to and through me this month, and more.

The reason that I write lists is that the writing of lists frees me up to be more present where I am. Lots of things swirl around in my heart and mind constantly. Things I don't want to forget, things I need to be responsible for. These things would constantly swirl around, and when undealt with, I find myself unable to fall asleep at night and frequently distracted as I go about my day due to the massive amount of information floating around in my head.

But when I write these things down I feel the freedom to let go of them in my mind and heart and deal with them later. I don't have to worry about forgetting them and can now focus on what is in front of me, rather than things in the future.

The act of writing lists may not sound or be very spiritual, but it frees my heart and mind up to embrace the present and to embrace God in the present. It is most definitely a spiritual discipline for me.

I find journaling to be the same way at times. I have thoughts and feelings that swirl in my head endlessly but as I put them on paper it helps me to get in touch with the actual feelings and thoughts, to embrace or reject them. To bring truth to them. To have closure with them and move past them. It's like once I process them out on paper I have space to move on, let go, and be present.

As with everything in life, I don't think this is a formula or for everyone. I'm pretty sure there are people who would be stressed out just by the idea of having lots of ongoing lists... these lists would frustrate and frazzle them and put them in bondage. But for me, they bring life and freedom.

So if you find yourself overwhelmed by the amount of information you are responsible for I suggest you give it a try and start making one (or some) list(s). And if this brings you stress and not peace, then please stop immediately and tap into what produces order, and peace, and stillness in your own life.

A Lifestyle of Awareness

I've never heard such a painful silence as when a room full of Christians are asked "What God is doing" and everyone uncomfortably squirms in their seats without having an answer to give.
I've been in that position of being the one squirming in my seat all too often. Of not having a good grasp on what God is doing in, through and around me that moment... or day... or week... or month.
I've felt disconnected from God at times.

Felt being the key word because any disconnect between me and God was not a reality. He is always present. He dwells in us. We are one with Him, inseparable from His being. Therefore any disconnect is perceived on my end, and nonexistent in reality, only existing in my mind and understanding.
I doubt the believers in the early church sat around and got uncomfortably silent when they came together. I imagine their meals as lively celebrations and story telling of all that they were seeing and experiencing. A time for everyone to encourage each other and be built up and truly excited about what they were a part of.

I think we need to create a culture of awareness. A culture of calling out in those around us where we see God, what we see Him doing and how we see Him being expressed. We need to make this a lifestyle. Always encouraging others. Always testifying of and proclaiming His works.

My husband Jeremy often says that hearing God is a lifestyle, and I think awareness is the same way. The more we become aware of Him and see Him in and around ourselves and others the better we get at it... the better we get at recognizing and looking for Him. He fine tunes our senses and gives us spiritual muscle memory through experiences.

When discipling people who want to know how to hear God, I usually ask them to recount times and ways that they know they have heard Him before. Moments that He has spoken to them. By connecting those dots they can begin to get an understanding of how they hear God, and how God speaks to them (keeping in mind that God can always speak in a different way, and is not a formula to be mastered, but in general I think he speaks to visual people in visual ways and so on, so taking a look at the past helps us going forward). I think this also applies to awareness. When we look back and are aware of God in our past it makes us more sensitive to Him in our present.

So let's be a people who are aware of Him. Who can't contain our excitment and stories about all that we see Him doing.

He Told Me Who I Am

Recently, I had a powerful interaction with God, one in which He told me who I am, and after which I will never be the same.  Until now, I've been unsure as to when or how or with whom to share this information, but now I feel like it's the time to start sharing and inviting others into this journey.   I'm inviting you into the depths of my heart as I receive, process, and step into my "calling".

I would love to say that this started with an overly spiritual experience... that I had been fasting, and seeking, and praying, or just spending some time completely resting in my oneness with the Father, aware of His presence... but that's not how it went down. That's just like God, to show up when we least expect it and rock our world, turning it upside down. To give us profound, life changing experiences in the seemingly ordinary and mundane moments so that we don't think the experience was a result of our doing, our efforts in seeking Him, or our spiritual performance for Him. But I digress...

So it went down one ordinary day. I was standing over my dryer, folding and stuffing cloth diapers, in a simple state of peace, rest, and contentment. Maybe singing/ worshiping a little as I worked, but nothing overly focused, intentional or purposeful. And then God spoke to me. He told me that I am a Pastor.

"WHAT?!?" Was my reaction. This was not something even remotely on my radar.

I've always had theology to back up women in roles of leadership. In layman's terms I've always believed that at the Fall, woman was put subject under man, but at the Cross, creation was restored to its' initial intention... becoming and fulfilling the curse. Therefore I've always supported women as leaders and pastors... as long as it was some other woman somewhere else... but never really felt the desire for myself to be in an official place of leadership over a body, especially a body that contained men.

So to say this pastor thing caught me off guard would be an understatement.

But then He gave me a new definition of pastor. In Western culture, I think we tend to think of a pastor as someone who is over a church body and stands up in front of lots of people and preaches every Sunday. So God showed me that a pastor is a shepherd who is in charge of a flock. A pastor gathers his flock, knows his flock, is aware of their needs, provides/ meets their needs and cares for them.

Given this new picture of who/ what a pastor is, I was starting to be much more comfortable with this idea. I think those are all things that I naturally (or by supernatural gifting) effortlessly do well as I go about life. They are things that I am passionate about. God showed me that I'm already unofficially serving in this role... I gather groups of families, moms, women etc. together all of the time. I take the time to know these people and care for them.

There is something so profoundly intimate about hearing from my Creator who He created me to be. Nothing else in my entire life has ever felt so true and real to my heart. It was almost like a whole new awakening. Like all of those times in the Old (or New) Testament when God showed up and revealed Himself to someone and changed their name, because that encounter with Him was so profound that the person would no longer be the same... the old name would no longer suffice... the person had a new identity and purpose (ex/ Abram/ Abraham, Sarai/ Sarah, Jacob/ Israel, Saul/ Paul and so many more!). This was definitely that type of experience for me.

I'm still processing through this new information with my Maker. I'm still asking for clarity and know that He will give it to me one step at a time, in His perfect timing as I walk by faith each step of the way. So join me on this journey as I share how He leads and guides me. And may this be an inspiration to you that He has created YOU for a specific purpose and wants to show that to you as well.

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We Confess Hope, Truth, Victory and Identity in Christ

It has become more acceptable to confess sin, brokenness, struggles, and defeat than to confess and/or declare hope, Truth, victory, and identity in Christ.  People spend more time talking about their personal struggles and "prayer requests" than they do talking about Christ in us, His victory, righteousness, finished work, and who we are in Him.  More time is spent giving credit to the enemy and his works than to God and His FINISHED work.  This makes for a big devil, and a small God, even if unintentionally.

Bastion Ministries is committed to confessing, dwelling on, and declaring God and His glory, His attributes, His works, and His power.  Although we do face many of the worldly struggles that others do, we choose to handle them differently.  We choose not to dwell on them, live in them, and become defeated, but to look at all through the lens of Christ, to bring Him to each circumstance.  We choose to use our words for, and dwell our minds on the praiseworthy, admirably, lovely, and true things as we take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Philippians 4:8  Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

We choose to bring life with our words and declare the testimony of God which defeats the works of the enemy.

Revelation 12:10-11 “Now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, he who accuses them before our God day and night.  And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death.

We choose to speak words that bring healing, life and encouragement.

Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb,  sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

The world has enough sin, brokenness, and darkness, it doesn't need us to confess those things.  The world needs us to know who we are in Christ and to bring His Light to all of the darkness.  To confess His glory, His victory, His power.

I'm not saying there is no place for confession of sin and struggles, but I am saying those should always be followed up with Truth and confession and declarations of hope, victory, and identity in Christ.  I am also saying that our confessions and declarations should be way more about God in us and what He has done, who He has made us, then the lies and attacks of the enemy.  

I think a lot of times our confessions of struggles are focused on for the sake of being "real" and relating with others.  The most "real" thing about us is Christ in us.  He is our reality.  The world doesn't need to relate to our struggles, they have their own.  They need to know the truth that there is more than our struggles.. that there is victory and freedom from struggles... that there is One who has already overcome.

Spending your time and energy on something gives it power.  Would you rather use your thoughts and words to give power to the enemy, or to God?  The more we dwell on our struggles, the more defeated we feel.  The more we dwell on Christ's victory and freedom, the more victorious and free we feel.  Spend your thoughts on Heavenly things and allow your mind to be renewed to the reality of the victory that has already been won.  

So friends, I challenge to spend your time, energy, thoughts and words on truth today... on victory... on hope... on who you are in Christ.  Let's be a people who confess His glory and goodness to the world.  So tell us, what is God teaching you today?  What is He doing in, through and around you?  Let's celebrate Him!

Choose Joy

As I mentioned in my weekly update last week, we have had some "bad" circumstances over the last few weeks (car breaking down twice and still not fixed, kids sick twice with fevers, conflict with people we care about, and more).  This has had me thinking about;

1 Thessalonians 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  

I have been pondering what it means to give thanks in the circumstances we consider “bad” along with the “good”.  Especially in light of;

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Knowing that God works in ALL circumstances, for the good of His people changes how I look at the circumstances that I perceive to be "bad".

I've decided to choose  joy, the giving of thanks, and praise over being led by my circumstances and feelings.  I've been thinking on;

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I'm choosing to focus on the good in each and every situation, to see and meditate on the true, noble, right, pure, and lovely... and when I can't seem to find those attributes in my circumstances I choose to meditate on the One who is those things, who is with me, who is in everything and working all for the good of His people whether I see it or not.  I'm choosing to spend my time and energy investing in Him and His Kingdom, and not dwelling on the works of the enemy, who has come to steal kill and destroy.

I'm asking myself in each situation, "Where is God in this?".  "What is His purpose in this?".  "How could He be at work in this for the good of His people?".

This is all a choice of the heart.  It's not some trite cliche in which I slap on a smiley face and act like everything is fine.  It's the act of taking my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ and not letting my head and heart be filled with lies.  It's the act of guarding my heart with Truth and engaging in battle with the Sword of the Spirit.

Some may accuse me of not being "real", or "in touch" with my circumstances.  But when did being "real" become a license to embrace and live in poor circumstances, feelings, and lies, giving power to the enemy?  I think we should be "real" with those we are in community with about our struggles, but we should never spend more time and energy talking about the struggles then on Truth, Christ's victory, and the cross.

I've resolved to spend my time dwelling on and discussing God, His attributes, and His works, and not the works of the accuser. To let His Truth permeate my heart and minister to my soul.

In a podcast I listened too recently, the speaker talked about how what you focus on is often what you become, even if you don't want to.  That when you put a whole bunch of time and energy into not being something (i.e. an alcoholic, a rageoholic etc.) that you are still giving that thing all of your energy and attention and more often than not, you end up there, despite your best efforts.  So rather than trying to not be something, I'm focusing on truth, on good, on love, and choosing joy.  And He who has called me is joy, He is peace, and He is in me, so it is my nature to be these attributes.

Despite your circumstances and feelings choose joy today friends, choose hope, choose love, praise, and the giving of thanks.  Choose to walk in victory and not give the enemy a foothold in your heart.

Is it ok to enjoy God?

Last night I went on a date with my husband. Over dinner we discussed some attributes of God, and some things He is doing in, showing, and teaching us right now. By the end of dinner I felt literally intoxicated by the presence of God... pretty much equivalent to having had a glass of wine. I felt peaceful, joyful, relaxed, a complete patience love grace and gentleness for all people, keenly aware of God, and and who I am in Him, and even a little silly/ goofy and not quite as functional and "with it" as I normally am.

This intoxication is something that I've only felt a few times before, usually following an intense worship experience. It is something that Jeremy has started to experience very often lately, frequently solely the result of discussing God and His ways. Many times Jeremy has had someone at his office, and by the end of their meeting both parties feel very intoxicated simply as a result of discussing God, and Him changing the entire atmosphere. Most of the people who have experienced this with Jeremy have never even been exposed to stuff/experiences like this before or even had a grid for this stuff.

When Jeremy first started telling me about these experiences it offended my mind... or more accurately, the religious mindset I was operating in. I thought that it just sounded weird... like something those super weird and "out there" Christians would say, you know, the Christians that there are documentaries about that basically make them look crazy... and I am not one of "those" people. I was responding to what Jeremy would say to me with doubts in my mind and not in faith. I was thinking things like "that can't be true". And then it happened to me... huh. God does that a lot. He takes something I feel/ believe and gives me an experience that is exactly opposite... and therefore wrecks my theology (like He did with speaking in tongues).

Some of the thoughts I would think in reaction to Jeremy's stories of these experiences would be things like; "is this even okay", "is it okay to enjoy God?", "why would God give us experiences solely for our pleasure, doesn't this seem un-spiritual or unlike the God that has been portrayed to me?".

Now looking back, it seems funny to me typing those questions... of course it's "okay" to enjoy God! I think that line of thinking just reveals how deeply religious and sterile my understanding of God was, and how incorrect my definition of "spiritual" was. It reveals my misconception that Holy means joyless, sterile, orderly and more. It reveals the way I compartmentalized fun and recreation and God and spiritual... believing these things didn't coexist. When of course they do, God created fun, recreation, pleasure and enjoyment... He is those things, it is His nature!

Verses like the one below, are coming alive to me in a whole new sense now.

Luke 11:13 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?”

I've always known that God gives us good gifts, and read this verse through the lens of provision, of Him giving me things to enjoy. When really, that is out of context, right in the verse it talks about THE gift of the Spirit... and now I'm starting to understand that the Spirit is for our enjoyment.
I still don't have an answer as to whether God gives us these experiences solely for our enjoyment, but I have come to realize that He is love, joy, hope, peace etc. and before we can overflow with these attributes to others, that we first have to be filled with them ourselves. I have come to realize that He is these things, and He is in me, so it is my nature to be those things also... anything contrary is not my nature now. I have come to realize that I am an agent of these attributes to others, on His behalf, so while it is a by-product that I get to enjoy them myself, that He has purposed me to minister Himself (love, hope, joy, peace etc.) to everyone I encounter.

God is blowing my mind today and taking me to a whole new level of realizing who He is and what a life lived in communion with Him looks like. As I type this I am driving my husband crazy with just how elated, enthusiastic, and joyful I am at 4 in the morning, bouncing around the house with a spring in my step, just so excited to be awake, and to be able to enjoy God. It's like I have come alive in a whole new way and my senses are being awakened and I just can't contain the excitement within me, it is bubbling up out of me.

Shouldn't that be how we, the church, are? Shouldn't we be so excited about God and so filled with Him that we can't contain it, and it is contagious to everyone we encounter? Isn't that a picture of a Christianity that would change the lives of those who encounter it leaving people completely different, and transforming their circumstances and the world around them?

I hope that you spend some time truly enjoying your Creator today friends!

A Tribute to our Community Group

This week was our last week as a part of the community group that we've been in for the last four years.  This has been a hard change for me, met with many tears.  It was definitely bittersweet.  I feel so blessed and thankful for the last 4 years, and the chance to have been a part of our little family.  But also sad and scared that this season is over.  And still, at the same time, excited for the new season that is beginning.

Four years ago, four couples who barely knew each other started a community group.  We had no idea the journey that we were starting.  That within four years that same group would grow and swell to over 20 people, and then multiply out to new groups 3 different times.  We had no idea the depth of relationships that would be forged here, and the memories that we would make.  That what started out as all young adults, would soon become a group of families with kids as many of us became pregnant and had children.  We didn't know that we would spend four years celebrating, mourning, praying, laughing, loving, serving, encouraging, and becoming a family.

We've had the privilege of hosting this group for the last two years.  Every Wednesday evening around 5 pm I would start my routine of setting out napkins, silverware, plates, glasses, iced tea, a salad, and plugging in our white Christmas lights that lined our kitchen (Jeremy and I enjoy dim lighting, for an intimate setting).  Each Wednesday, when I plugged in the lights, Noah would joyfully say "our friends are coming over!".  He knew those lights meant a houseful of people were coming; and that there would be food, laughter, children playing, prayer, Bible study and more.

Last night, knowing that it was our last in attendance, I was able to sit back and observe as friends flooded our home.  I watched people walk in without knocking, tossing their stuff on couches, the floor, and bookshelves.  I watched Sarah comfortably turn on my oven and slide her casserole dishes into it, as if it were her own home.  I watched Jill place a bottle of breast milk in my fridge, you know you're friends when you have someone else's breast milk in your fridge.  I watched Noah and Myles excitedly run back and forth through the house as self proclaimed best friends.  I watched Melissa hold my baby almost the entire evening, sticking it out through his fussiness, and finally bouncing him to sleep in her arms.  I watched Ruby notice that Noah had had an accident in his pants, and without saying a word, she went into his drawers, found dry clothes for him, took him to the bathroom and changed him.  I watched Nick respond to the shrills of kids playing in the back room, and diffuse whatever disputes had arisen.  I watched Jeremy wash the feet of each one of us, with a bowl of water and two towels.  I watched almost everyone cry.  I felt the most loved and encouraged I ever have, listening to person after person share ways that Jeremy, I, and our home have impacted their lives.

I'm completely sure that we have been a part of something deeply special.  That we have become a family.  That we are comfortable with each other, know each other, and serve each other without even thinking about it.  That we can anticipate each others needs and desires and meet them without words.  That we are united, with a common love and purpose, found only in Christ.

While I feel honored to have experienced something so magical, I also grow sad at the thought of us being in it coming to an end.  The relationships won't end, but Wednesday evenings together will no longer be a part of our lives.  I wonder if we'll ever experience family and community like this again.  It was so special, that I don't know if it can exist multiple times in a lifetime.  I wonder if I'm closing the door on what may have been a miracle, as the love of Christ transcended barriers of our differing backgrounds and brought a motley crew of individuals together into something beautiful.

Our group wasn't perfect.  And neither were the people in it.  We have hurt some people's feelings over the years.  We have been tired, selfish, shut down, and not emotionally present at times.  But the beautiful part is the grace found in that... the imperfectness of it all, yet still the commitment to extend grace, to let love reign over it all.

I love each and every person who has come through our doors and been a part of this journey and this group.  These people will always hold a special place in my heart.  You have each shaped me, challenged me, encouraged me, and stood by me through the ups and downs of life.  You have each contributed to the woman I am today, and for that I am deeply thankful!